{"quotes":[{"text":"Most times, my mind is just an ongoing, present-tense, first-person monologue. It's like I'm writing a novel, constantly, but only in my brain.","author":"Andrew Shaffer","tags":["novel","parody","writing"],"id":2882,"author_id":"Andrew+Shaffer"},{"text":"My father despises cats. He believes them to be Democrats. He considers them to be little mean hillary clintons covered all over with feminist legfur. Cats would have abortions, if given half a chance. Cats would have abortions for fun. Consequently our own soft sinner, a soulful snowshoe named Alice, will stay shut in the bedroom upstairs, padding back and forth on cashmere paws, campaigning for equal pay, educating me about my reproductive system, and generally plotting the downfall of all men.","author":"Patricia Lockwood","tags":["cats","equality","feminism","parody","patriarchy","pro-choice"],"id":17940,"author_id":"Patricia+Lockwood"},{"text":"Ye know, doan't ye, what it feels like when ye burn yer hand in takin' a cake out of the oven or wi'a match when ye're lightin' one of they godless cigarettes? Ay. It stings wi' a fearful pain, doan't it? And ye run away to clap a bit o' butter on it to take the pain away. Ah, but' (an impressive pause) 'there'll be no butter in hell!","author":"Stella Gibbons","tags":["butter","hell","humor","parody","preaching","religion"],"id":26088,"author_id":"Stella+Gibbons"},{"text":"Alice is fictional. This isn't.","author":"Jess C. Scott","tags":["american-culture","dark-humor","group-think","groupthink","lady-gaga","mad-magazine","parodies","parody","pop-culture","popular-culture","resident-evil","satire","sheeple","short-story","simpsons","south-park","zombie-apocalypse","zombies"],"id":45325,"author_id":"Jess+C.+Scott"},{"text":"Teaching kids is like a 5 year old box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be good.","author":"Zany Madcap","tags":["children","education","elementary-school","forrest-gump","humour","parody"],"id":63849,"author_id":"Zany+Madcap"},{"text":"...Heaven wouldn’t be like this earth, this tormented earth ruled by evil forces that tossed humanity to and fro like a slow clown in a two-bit rodeo.","author":"Joe LaFlam","tags":["detecive-noir","humor","mystery","parody","satire"],"id":68322,"author_id":"Joe+LaFlam"},{"text":"A totally nondenominational prayer: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that I be forgiven for anything I may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.  Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which I may be eligible after the destruction of my body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.","author":"Roger Zelazny","tags":["agnostic","agnosticism","bureaucracy","funny","humor","mythology","parody","prayer","religion"],"id":74077,"author_id":"Roger+Zelazny"},{"text":"And fair warning, as part of my tortured-soul thing I have to start being mean to you. Apparently that will make me seem strong and make you seem weak. Because strong nowadays means being a total dick.","author":"Cale Dietrich","tags":["humor","parody","personality"],"id":84768,"author_id":"Cale+Dietrich"},{"text":"The first casualty of war is casual wear.","author":"Brian Spellman","tags":["fashion","lampoon","parody","puns","satire","war"],"id":92369,"author_id":"Brian+Spellman"},{"text":"Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.","author":"Criss Jami","tags":["addiction","apologetics","appearance","arrogance","brain","care","caution","cognition","comedy","egghead","excess","funny","funny-but-true","genius","glass","honesty","humility","humor","intelligence","joke","know-it-all","knowledge","laughter","not-knowing","obsession","obsessive","overdoing-it","overflow","overthinking","parody","philosophy","pretentiousness","pride","profound","psychology","ridicule","science","theology","thinking","wisdom"],"id":106670,"author_id":"Criss+Jami"}],"pagination":{"page":1,"page_size":10,"total":35,"pages":4,"next":"?page=2\u0026page_size=10"}}