Please follow these instructions:1. Stack the pages of this letter neatly. 2. Roll the pages up into a cylinder. 3. Smack yourself over the head with it. 4. Repeat. You complete ass.

I've nothing against people. Just a***oles. But then, most people are.

Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet.

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Dogs are angels full of poop.

...And there encountered with him all at once Sir Bors, Sir Ector, and Sir Lionel, and they three smote him at once with their spears, and with force of themselves they smote Sir Lancelot's horse reverse to the earth. And by misfortune Sir Bors smote Sir Lancelot through the shield into the side...

Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are?” By his words you’d think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I’m off to shout your secret from the rooftops, and he’d be like, oh no please don’t do that. Inreality, he’d have to kill me.

Wisdom of the Ages: 'Brian Williams Week' Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up 'Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

If you were smart,' Genghis said, 'you would have borrowed the silverware of one of your friends.'We never thought of that,' Klaus said. When one is forced to tell atrocious lies, one often feels a guilty flutter in one's stomach, and Klaus felt such a flutter now. 'You certainly are an intelligent man.'Not only am I intelligent,' Genghis agreed, 'but I'm also very smart.

The wife’s gotta know. You can’t hook up like that for what looks like about six or seven years without the wife figuring it out. Unless she’s another idiot.“I’m not an idiot.”Smiling, Roarke continued to stroke. “I’ll keep that in mind when I decide to have a long-term affair.”“Yeah, you do that. They’ll never find your body,” she murmured, then dropped into sleep.His smiled warmed, and feeling well loved, he dropped off with her.