If at 1st you don't succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y' still won't succeed, but you sure as hell won't give a shift.

Trust is important to any relationship… and easier to come by if you get a picture of a guy's wife buck naked.

Matrimony and firefighting. They ain't for cowards.

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind.

Frankie Perino and I were lucky that day. Lucky to be alive-that's what everyone said.

If I were to lock you up in a dungeon, I guarantee you would not be bored.

You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties.

In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice.

Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink.

If men were necessary in the procreation process, they'd have gone the way of the dodo bird long ago.