{"author":"Matthew Heines","author_id":"Matthew+Heines","total_quotes":37,"quotes":[{"text":"Wisdom of the Ages: 'New Year's Eve' The last day you can do all the things you are resolving to give up-until you give up on your New Year's resolutions.","author":"Matthew Heines","tags":["humorous","new-year-s-eve"],"id":1463,"author_id":"Matthew+Heines"},{"text":"Wisdom of the Ages: 'Wildlife Education' When I was a kid, the only woodland creature I knew of was the squirrel. I guess that's why no one believed me when I told them a squirrel just ate two of my friends.","author":"Matthew Heines","tags":["humorous"],"id":14088,"author_id":"Matthew+Heines"},{"text":"Wisdom of the Ages: 'Look out Below!' Air Asia's catchy new advertising slogan.","author":"Matthew Heines","tags":["funny-but-sad","funny","humor","humorist","humorous","humorous"],"id":19128,"author_id":"Matthew+Heines"},{"text":"Wisdom of the Ages: 'The Pope and Congress' It looks as if confidence in the American voter to exorcise the demons in the Capitol has completely fallen through.","author":"Matthew Heines","tags":["funny-but-sad","funny","funny-stuff","humor","humorist","humorous"],"id":26583,"author_id":"Matthew+Heines"},{"text":"Wisdom of the Ages: 'Humility' If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.","author":"Matthew Heines","tags":["funny-but-true","funny","funny","humility","humor","humorist","humorous","humorous"],"id":48710,"author_id":"Matthew+Heines"},{"text":"Wisdom of the Ages 'The Marshawn' US Army's new main battle tank. Runs over enemies instead of shooting them. Biggest expense: maintaining the dreadlocks hanging off the turret.","author":"Matthew Heines","tags":["humorous","marshawn-lynch","seattle-seahawks"],"id":48777,"author_id":"Matthew+Heines"},{"text":"Wisdom of the Ages: 'Brian Williams Week' Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up 'Between Iraq and a Hard Place.","author":"Matthew Heines","tags":["funny-but-true","funny-humor","funny","humor","humorist","humorous","humorous"],"id":53943,"author_id":"Matthew+Heines"},{"text":"Wisdom of the Ages 'Unsuccessful Town Slogans' Sequim (WA)- 'We put the Dung in Dungeness.","author":"Matthew Heines","tags":["funny-but-sad","funny-humor","funny","humor","humorist","humorous"],"id":71215,"author_id":"Matthew+Heines"},{"text":"Wisdom of the Ages: 'National Symbol' With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?","author":"Matthew Heines","tags":["funny-but-sad","funny-but-true","funny","humor","humorist","humorous","humorous","national-character"],"id":79558,"author_id":"Matthew+Heines"},{"text":"Wisdom of the Ages: 'Valentine's Day' Because she never forgets, especially if you do.","author":"Matthew Heines","tags":["funny-but-true","funny","funny","humorist","humorous","humorous"],"id":89895,"author_id":"Matthew+Heines"}],"pagination":{"page":1,"page_size":10,"total":37,"pages":4,"next":"?page=2\u0026page_size=10"}}