{"author":"Mary Crocker Cook","author_id":"Mary+Crocker+Cook","total_quotes":18,"quotes":[{"text":"Dissociation from the body and emotions – numbness – is a basic requirement of the male ideal. Hardy and Hough point out that the patriarchal culture’s influence is so strong on this point that it interferes with men ever recognizing that pain is a normal indicator of a problem. And as the pain or discomfort increases, men are forced to choose between two problematic alternatives:If I admit I’m sick then I must do something about it. That may entail seeing a doctor which implies I’m weak, not in control of myself, not tough enough.However, if I don’t get help, I’ll get sicker and more vulnerable, really helpless.","author":"Mary Crocker Cook","tags":["dissociation","gender-role","gender-roles","men","patriarchy"],"id":5156,"author_id":"Mary+Crocker+Cook"},{"text":"The masculine ideal of perfection creates a hyper-sensitivity to any nuance of imperfection. Any man who commits his life to the perfectionistic ideal of masculinity is going to feel like a failure. The people around him will feel abused and oppressed by him. The only way to do things is his way, the right way, the ideal way. Every man who succeeds at this game will wind up in the same place: Alone in his victory. At the top of the pyramid there’s no room for anyone else.","author":"Mary Crocker Cook","tags":["imperfection","masculine-ideal","oppression","perfection"],"id":16261,"author_id":"Mary+Crocker+Cook"},{"text":"Few men realize how much of their lives are lived in pursuit of the values our culture has traditionally associated with masculinity. These values – a primary focus on work, logical thinking and always being in emotional control – have many benefits to men and their families. When taken to extremes, the pursuit of traditional masculine values becomes a cage for feelings, a stranglehold on life itself.","author":"Mary Crocker Cook","tags":["anxiety","codependency","gender-role","male-values","masculinity","men"],"id":35954,"author_id":"Mary+Crocker+Cook"},{"text":"Avoiding awareness of our own reality is often an attempt to deny thoughts, desires, or intentions that we feel will threaten or contradict the needs of those with whom we feel strong attachment. We instinctively hide feelings and thoughts we assume would be threatening to other people, and might cause them to leave us. . . People who learned early in life to adapt to parental needs to an extent that we were unable to focus on our own developmental tasks and needs will often continue to play out this working mode” of conditional attachment. “You will attach to me as long as I meet your needs.","author":"Mary Crocker Cook","tags":["attachment","awareness","codependency","intentions","parenting","trust"],"id":41142,"author_id":"Mary+Crocker+Cook"},{"text":"It also strikes me that male-to-male bonding can create a gender role conflict, as it challenges the myth of full independence. Heroism is an exception. In fact, heroism has a long tradition as part of manhood. Bonds formed through natural disaster or war are exceptions to the typical “self-reliance” rules. These are op-portunities for men to experience a type of connection with each other that is ordinarily prohibited by the “rules” of manhood.","author":"Mary Crocker Cook","tags":["codependency","heroism","independence","male-bonding","male-gender-role","manhood"],"id":60855,"author_id":"Mary+Crocker+Cook"},{"text":"You can't 'let go'. You can't 'detach with love'. You can't let them 'hit bottom'. You can't seem to implement the strategies you have learned when you are faced with your adult child's chaos and anxiety. When you try to do this, it makes you physically and emotionally ill, and the anxiety and fear becomes unbearable.","author":"Mary Crocker Cook","tags":["addiction","adult-children","parenting","parents-of-addicts"],"id":71764,"author_id":"Mary+Crocker+Cook"},{"text":"With intimacy comes the possibility of “engulfment” or being taken hostage by the demands of others. We may have distorted perceptions of the “demands” and obligations placed upon us by those who claim to love us. Trusting that love to be unconditional is almost impossible for us, and we are always scanning for the unstated “subtext” or hidden “agenda” connected to this love.","author":"Mary Crocker Cook","tags":["agenda","codependency","engulfment","intimacy","trust"],"id":75718,"author_id":"Mary+Crocker+Cook"},{"text":"This dissociation from the body extends to emotional disengagement. Without access to his feelings a man can’t help but lose track of who he is, what his priorities are and what is normal for him.","author":"Mary Crocker Cook","tags":["codependency","dissociation","emotional-disengagement","men","priorities"],"id":79880,"author_id":"Mary+Crocker+Cook"},{"text":"When we are anxiously attached, our inability to trust the intentions and behaviors of others will often lead us to escalate situations and then reject attempts to reassure us. It is a painful and dramatic spiral.","author":"Mary Crocker Cook","tags":["anxiety","codpendency","escalation","rejection","trust"],"id":118897,"author_id":"Mary+Crocker+Cook"},{"text":"At its heart, Codependency is a set of behaviors developed to manage the anxiety that comes when our primary attachments are formed with people who are inconsistent or unavailable in their response to us. Our anxiety-based responses to life can include over-reactivity, image management, unrealistic beliefs about our limits, and attempts to control the reality of others to the point where we lose our boundaries, self-esteem, and even our own reality. Ultimately, Codependency is a chronic stress disease, which can devastate our immune system and lead to systemic and even life-threatening illness.","author":"Mary Crocker Cook","tags":["codependency","recovery","women-s-inspirational"],"id":127131,"author_id":"Mary+Crocker+Cook"}],"pagination":{"page":1,"page_size":10,"total":18,"pages":2,"next":"?page=2\u0026page_size=10"}}