{"author":"Kaui Hart Hemmings","author_id":"Kaui+Hart+Hemmings","total_quotes":34,"quotes":[{"text":"I picture Cully tromping through that high, deep snow. That's how I feel physically from all of this. Moving through grief like it's a thick drift, exhausting but enlivening. It makes your muscles ache. It makes you feel you've inhabited your body completely.","author":"Kaui Hart Hemmings","tags":["grief"],"id":478,"author_id":"Kaui+Hart+Hemmings"},{"text":"You’ve already said that,” Alex says. “Why should I go?”“You’re the only person I have,” I say. “And I want us all to be together. It will be good for us.”“Oh, so now I’m back in the picture again.”“Alex. Something bigger than you is occurring right now. I’m sorry about your unhappy childhood.”She glares at me in that special way of hers and Joanie’s that makes me feel worthless and foul-smelling.“So we’ll tell Scottie we’re going on a vacation while Mom is in the hospital?”“It’s for a day or two,” I say. “Scottie’s been in the hospital every day for almost a month now. She needs a break. It’s not good for her. I’d like you to be in charge of answering any questions she may have. She looks up to you. She’ll hang on whatever you say.”I’m hoping a leadership role, a specific chore, will make Alex act like an adult and treat Scottie well.“Can you do that?”She shrugs.“If you can’t handle things, let me know. I’ll help. I’m here for you.”Alex laughs. I wonder if there are parents who can say things to their kids like “I love you” or “I’m here for you” without being laughed at. I have to admit it’s a bit uncomfortable. Affection, in general, is unpleasant to me.“What if Mom doesn’t make it for two days?”“She will,” I say. “I’ll tell her what we’re doing.”Alex looks uncomfortable with this idea, that what I’ll say will make her mother want to live. “I’m bringing Sid,” she says. “If he doesn’t come, then I’m not going.”I’m about to protest, but I see the look in her eyes and know this is yet another battle that I’m bound to lose. Something about this guy is helping her. And Scottie seems to like him. He can keep her distracted. He can work for me.“Okay,” I say. “Deal.","author":"Kaui Hart Hemmings","tags":["alex-king","daughter","father","matt-king"],"id":23777,"author_id":"Kaui+Hart+Hemmings"},{"text":"A sea of red lights, and I slow down. My job now is to gather everyone together and tell them we have to let her go. I won't tell anyone over the phone, because I didn't like hearing the news from the doctor that way. I have maybe a week to handle the arrangements, as the doctor said, but the arrangements are overwhelming. How do I learn how to run a family? How do I say goodbye to someone I love so much that I've forgotten just how much I love her?","author":"Kaui Hart Hemmings","tags":["death","funerals","saying-goodbye"],"id":39903,"author_id":"Kaui+Hart+Hemmings"},{"text":"I had to ask Scottie what TYVM meant, because now that I’ve narrowed into her activities, I notice she is constantly text-messaging her friends, or at least I hope it’s her friends and not some perv in a bathrobe.“Thank you very much,” Scottie said, and for some reason, the fact that I didn’t get this made me feel completely besieged. It’s crazy how much fathers are supposed to know these days. I come from the school of thought where a dad’s absence is something to be counted on. Now I see all the men with camouflage diaper bags and babies hanging from their chests like little ship figureheads. When I was a young dad, I remember the girls sort of bothered me as babies, the way everyone raced around to accommodate them. The sight of Alex in her stroller would irritate me at times—she’d hang one of her toddler legs over the rim of the safety bar and slouch down in the seat. Joanie would bring her something and she’d shake her head, then Joanie would try again and again until an offering happened to work and Alex would snatch it from her hands. I’d look at Alex, finally complacent with her snack, convinced there was a grown person in there, fooling us all. Scottie would just point to things and grunt or scream. It felt like I was living with royalty. I told Joanie I’d wait until they were older to really get into them, and they grew and grew behind my back.","author":"Kaui Hart Hemmings","tags":["alexa-king","daughter","father","joanie","kids","matt-king","parenting","parents","scottie-king"],"id":44537,"author_id":"Kaui+Hart+Hemmings"},{"text":"For my 11th birthday, I asked to be adopted.","author":"Kaui Hart Hemmings","tags":["adopted","asked "],"id":68280,"author_id":"Kaui+Hart+Hemmings"},{"text":"Say goodbye to your mom.”Scottie pauses, then keeps going.“Scottie.”“Bye!” she yells.I grab her arm. I could yell at her for wanting to leave, but I don’t. She pulls her arm out of my grasp. I look up to see if anyone is watching us, because I don’t think you’re supposed to aggressively hold children these days. Gone are the days of spanking, threats, and sugar. Now there are therapy, antidepressants, and Splenda.","author":"Kaui Hart Hemmings","tags":["daughter","father","kids","matt-king","mother","scottie-king","theraphy","threats"],"id":78434,"author_id":"Kaui+Hart+Hemmings"},{"text":"Why is it so hard to articulate love yet so easy to express disappointment?","author":"Kaui Hart Hemmings","tags":["articulate","disappointment","love"],"id":87743,"author_id":"Kaui+Hart+Hemmings"},{"text":"We walk until there aren't more houses, all the way to the part of the beach where the current makes the waves come in then rush back out so that the two waves clash, water casting up like a geyser. We watch that for a while and then Scottie says, 'I wish Mom was here.' I'm thinking the exact same thought. That's how you know you love someone, I guess, when you can't experience anything without wishing the other person were there to see it, too. Every day I kept track of anecdotes, occurrences, and gossip, bullet-pointing the news in my head and even rehearsing my stories before telling them to Joanie in bed at night.","author":"Kaui Hart Hemmings","tags":["husband-and-wife-relationship","love","missing-someone","stories"],"id":99201,"author_id":"Kaui+Hart+Hemmings"},{"text":"I'm sorry,' I say. 'I didn't give you everything you wanted. I wasn't everything you wanted. You were everything I wanted.","author":"Kaui Hart Hemmings","tags":["love","regret"],"id":103932,"author_id":"Kaui+Hart+Hemmings"},{"text":"TIA OR TARA has stopped applying makeup to my wife’s face and is looking at Scottie with disapproval. The light is hitting this woman’s face, giving me an opportunity to see that she should perhaps be working on her own makeup. Her coloring is similar to a manila envelope. There are specks of white in her eyebrows, and her concealer is not concealing. I can tell my daughter doesn’t know what to do with this woman’s critical look.“What?” Scottie asks. “I don’t want any makeup.” She looks at me for protection, and it’s heartbreaking. All the women who model with Joanie have this inane urge to make over my daughter with the notion that they’re helping her somehow. She’s not as pretty as her older sister or her mother, and these other models think that slapping on some rouge will somehow make her feel better about her facial fate. They’re like missionaries. Mascara thumpers.“I was just going to say that I think your mother was enjoying the view,” Tia or Tara says. “It’s so pretty outside. You should let the light in.”My daughter looks at the curtain. Her little mouth is open. Her hand reaches for a tumbleweed of hair.“Listen here, T. Her mother was not enjoying the view. Her mother is in a coma. And she’s not supposed to be in bright light.”“My name is not T,” she says. “My name is Allison.”“Okay, then, Ali. Don’t confuse my daughter, please.”“I’m turning into a remarkable young lady,” Scottie says.“Damn straight.” My heart feels like one of Scottie’s clogs clomping down the hall. I don’t know why I became so angry.","author":"Kaui Hart Hemmings","tags":["daughter","father","matt-king","scottie-king"],"id":113558,"author_id":"Kaui+Hart+Hemmings"}],"pagination":{"page":1,"page_size":10,"total":34,"pages":4,"next":"?page=2\u0026page_size=10"}}