{"author":"Jasinda Wilder","author_id":"Jasinda+Wilder","total_quotes":27,"quotes":[{"text":"I don't even know how long she sobs. Time ceases to pass, and she cries, cries, cries. Clutches me and makes these sounds of a soul being ripped in two, the grief so long denied taking its toll. Fermented grief is far more potent.","author":"Jasinda Wilder","tags":["colton","cries","falling","falling-into-you","grief","heartbreaking","jasinda-wilder","nell","sobs","soul"],"id":2090,"author_id":"Jasinda+Wilder"},{"text":"It wasn't supposed to. It was just supposed to stop you from hurting yourself.” “It helps—” “No it doesn't. It just pushes it away temporarily. Just like the booze.” “But I need—” “You need to let yourself feel. Feel it, own it. Then move on.” “You make it sound so easy.” Bitterness drips from each syllable. “It’s not. It’s the fucking hardest thing a person can do.” I smooth a damp strand out of her face and away from my mouth. “It’s the hardest fucking thing. It’s why we drink and do drugs and fight. It’s why I play music and build engines.","author":"Jasinda Wilder","tags":["bitterness","colton","cope","coping","cutting","drinking","falling","falling-into-you","feel","feeling","fighting","grief","hurting","jasinda-wilder","music","nell","relief","words"],"id":16597,"author_id":"Jasinda+Wilder"},{"text":"I also know I'm not going to stay away. I'm going to grab onto her and let myself get cut. I'm good at pain. I'm good at bleeding, emotionally and physically.","author":"Jasinda Wilder","tags":["coping","cut","cutting","emotions","falling","falling-into-you","jasinda-wilder","pain"],"id":48380,"author_id":"Jasinda+Wilder"},{"text":"When my grandpa died, I had this same fear. I love Grandpa so much. He was Mom's dad, and he was my favorite person in the whole world. He lived up north, between Grayling and the Mackinaw Bridge. He had, like, twenty acres. He had horses and dirt bike and all this awesome stuff. I'd go up there for weeks at a time during the summers, and he'd let me do whatever I wanted. We'd go hunting and fishing and four-wheeling, and I'd stay up till midnight every night. Then one day, he died. All of a sudden, just like that that. I cried for days. Dad kicked the shit out of me for crying, but I didn't care. I loved Grandpa, and he was gone. Then, like a month after he'd died, I had this panic attack. I couldn't remember what he looked like. I thought it meant I didn't love him, or that I'd forgotten about him. It was the only time Dad was anything like helpful. He told me you have to forget what they look like. Otherwise, you can't learn to live without them. Forgetting is your brain's way of telling you it's time to try and move on. Not forget who they were, just...Keep living.","author":"Jasinda Wilder","tags":["death","grief","jason-dorsey","life","living","loss","memories","sadness"],"id":72379,"author_id":"Jasinda+Wilder"},{"text":"Let…it…go,” he whispers, his voice a fierce, harsh sound in my hair. “No. No!” The last word is screamed. “You have to. You can’t bleed it out. You can’t keep pretending, drinking it down.","author":"Jasinda Wilder","tags":["bleed","colton","cut","cutting","drinking","falling","falling-into-you","favorite","favourite","grief","jasinda-wilder","let-it-go","nell","pain","sorrow"],"id":102393,"author_id":"Jasinda+Wilder"},{"text":"But we have to learn to be free. We have to, Nell. Doesn't mean happy all the time, or okay all the time. It’s okay not to be okay. I told you that, but I'm relearning it myself. But not being okay doesn't mean you stop living.","author":"Jasinda Wilder","tags":["colton","falling","falling-into-you","free","happy","jasinda-wilder","life","living","nell","okay","real","relearning"],"id":109794,"author_id":"Jasinda+Wilder"},{"text":"I respect the hell out of her for how hard she’s working to be okay. I just wish she’d let me show her how to let go, how to let herself hurt. I want to take her pain.","author":"Jasinda Wilder","tags":["colton","falling","falling-into-you","grief","hurt","jasinda-wilder","nell","pain","respect","strength"],"id":117384,"author_id":"Jasinda+Wilder"},{"text":"It’s not okay,” I tell her. This gets her attention; it’s not what she was expecting. “You don’t have to be okay.” “What do you want from me?” Her voice is ragged, desperate. “I want you to let yourself be broken. Let yourself hurt.” She shakes her head again. “I can’t. If I let it out, it’ll never stop.” “Yes, it will.","author":"Jasinda Wilder","tags":["broken","colton","desperate","falling","falling-into-you","fear","grief","hurt","hurting","jasinda-wilder","nell","okay","pain","sadness","suffereing"],"id":134742,"author_id":"Jasinda+Wilder"},{"text":"There’s no magical healing in this. I won’t wake up tomorrow fixed and joyful. I’ll still hurt and grieve. But moments like this, with Colton? They make it all bearable. He doesn't fix me, doesn't heal me. He just makes life worthwhile. He helps me remember to breathe, shows me how to smile again. He kisses me, and I can forget pain, forget the urges I still have to cut for the pain that erases the emotions.","author":"Jasinda Wilder","tags":["bearable","colton","cutter","cutting","escape","falling","falling-into-you","fix","forget","grieve","hurt","jasinda-wilder","life","nell","pain","relief","self-harm","si","sweet","urges"],"id":147467,"author_id":"Jasinda+Wilder"},{"text":"But I think you’re beautiful. You’re lovely.” I shifted uncomfortably under the intense scrutiny and prickling heat in his eyes. “Thanks?” He thinks I'm…lovely? The idea that Kyle thought I was not just hot, but lovely, sent pangs of something like fear through me, an intense pressure in my heart.","author":"Jasinda Wilder","tags":["adorable","falling","falling-into-you","jasinda-wilder","kyle","lovely","nell","quote","sweet"],"id":170725,"author_id":"Jasinda+Wilder"}],"pagination":{"page":1,"page_size":10,"total":27,"pages":3,"next":"?page=2\u0026page_size=10"}}