{"author":"Derek Landy","author_id":"Derek+Landy","total_quotes":146,"quotes":[{"text":"Skulduggery stood among the ruins of what had once been a sofa. Valkyrie raised an ey.","author":"Derek Landy","tags":["funny-mistakes","furniture","humor","humorous","mistakes"],"id":562,"author_id":"Derek+Landy"},{"text":"When I meet people, I no longer say 'Hi, I'm Derek Landy, pleased to meet you.' Now I say 'Hi, I'm number one bestselling author Derek Landy. Worship me.","author":"Derek Landy","tags":["humour","skulduggery-pleasant"],"id":11614,"author_id":"Derek+Landy"},{"text":"Is that it?”“No. That’s a wall.”“It could be disguised.”“You’re not very good at looking for things, are you?”“I’m good at looking for walls. Look, I found another one.","author":"Derek Landy","tags":["humour","searching","walls"],"id":13401,"author_id":"Derek+Landy"},{"text":"You make a good point,' Fletcher conceded. 'See, there's a reason why you're the girl and I'm the boy. You think about things while I...''Don't?''Exactly,' he said happily.","author":"Derek Landy","tags":["humour"],"id":13889,"author_id":"Derek+Landy"},{"text":"Don't open the door to strangers,' said her dad. 'Unless they're selling something. Then open the door and see if I'd like it. If I'd like it, buy it for me. But nothing cheap. I have standards. Nothing too expensive, either. My standards aren't that high.","author":"Derek Landy","tags":["awesome","brilliant","crazy","fun","funny","hilarious","hysterical","make-me-laugh","witty"],"id":15349,"author_id":"Derek+Landy"},{"text":"Valkyrie walked to the back door, which hadn't been closed properly, shut it and locked it. There was now a baby in the house, after all. She couldn't take the chance that a wild animal might wander in and make off with Alice, like those dingoes in Australia. She was probably being unfair to both dingoes and Australia, but she couldn't risk it. Locked doors kept the dingoes out, and that's all there was to it, even if she didn't know what a dingo actually was. She took out her phone, searched the Internet, found a picture of a baby dingo and now she really wanted a baby dingo for a pet.","author":"Derek Landy","tags":["australia","baby-safety","child-safety","dingo","dingoes","funny","humor","humorous","precaution","wild-animals"],"id":16784,"author_id":"Derek+Landy"},{"text":"Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant...The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives.","author":"Derek Landy","tags":["family","humor"],"id":17975,"author_id":"Derek+Landy"},{"text":"This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability.'Who was the test subject?' asked Aurora.'I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field.'She stared at him. 'You zapped your own brain?'And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't.","author":"Derek Landy","tags":["awesome","brilliant","clever","epic","funny","hilarious","humor","humour","make-me-laugh","witty"],"id":19045,"author_id":"Derek+Landy"},{"text":"He crouched at the care window and looked in. 'What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one.' His finger jabbed the glass. 'That one's a bit ugly.'The American stepped towards him. 'What? What did you say?'Oh, don't worry. I'm sure his personality makes up for his face.","author":"Derek Landy","tags":["family","humor","humorous","insults","random","what-the-hell"],"id":19831,"author_id":"Derek+Landy"},{"text":"This is stolen? We're in a stolen jet?'Not stolen,' said Donegan Bane from the co-pilot's seat.'Almost stolen,' Gracious corrected.'Semi-stolen,' said Donegan.'Quasi-stolen,' said Gracious. Aurora's frown did not turn upside down. 'So is it stolen or not?'Donegan and Gracious hesitated.'Yes,' they both said together.","author":"Derek Landy","tags":["funny","humor","maleficent","pilot","planes","skulduggery","tanith-lee"],"id":23124,"author_id":"Derek+Landy"}],"pagination":{"page":1,"page_size":10,"total":146,"pages":15,"next":"?page=2\u0026page_size=10"}}