{"author":"David Sedaris","author_id":"David+Sedaris","total_quotes":111,"quotes":[{"text":"The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is based upon fear rather than loathing.... I hate computers. My hatred is entrenched, and I nourish it daily. I'm comfortable with it, and no community outreach program will change my mind.","author":"David Sedaris","tags":["hate","psychology"],"id":4985,"author_id":"David+Sedaris"},{"text":"When asked 'What do we need to learn this for?' any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness.","author":"David Sedaris","tags":["education"],"id":8483,"author_id":"David+Sedaris"},{"text":"The guilt applies only to those things that are being given away for free.","author":"David Sedaris","tags":["free"],"id":11774,"author_id":"David+Sedaris"},{"text":"Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!","author":"David Sedaris","tags":["humor","nationalism"],"id":11945,"author_id":"David+Sedaris"},{"text":"At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.","author":"David Sedaris","tags":["humor","technology","typewriters"],"id":13219,"author_id":"David+Sedaris"},{"text":"But I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.","author":"David Sedaris","tags":["humor","inspiration","lazy","motivation","work-ethic"],"id":18220,"author_id":"David+Sedaris"},{"text":"I don’t know why it was, exactly, but nothing irritated my father quite like the sound of his children’s happiness. Group crying, he could stand, but group laughing was asking for it, especially at the dinner table.","author":"David Sedaris","tags":["children","crying","laughter"],"id":29878,"author_id":"David+Sedaris"},{"text":"I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple.","author":"David Sedaris","tags":["humorous","religion"],"id":35115,"author_id":"David+Sedaris"},{"text":"If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.","author":"David Sedaris","tags":["humor"],"id":40756,"author_id":"David+Sedaris"},{"text":"For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.","author":"David Sedaris","tags":["alcohol","drinking","humor"],"id":49126,"author_id":"David+Sedaris"}],"pagination":{"page":1,"page_size":10,"total":111,"pages":12,"next":"?page=2\u0026page_size=10"}}